We recorded a ‘Parents in Sport’ podcast episode with Catherine Baker(sports parent and author) in 2024 about her own sporting journey as a sports parent to her three sons.
One of the things that we discussed was how our role as sports parents changes over time depending on the age and stage that our children may be going through. There is no doubting that as our children get older, our role changes significantly. That does not mean we are not still hugely involved or are an important part of the support network of our young people.
We have often used the analogy of us and our children being part of the same Formula 1 team. When they are very young we often have to drive the car, making many of the decisions, heavily driving schedules and providing as many opportunities that we can in the hope that our young people grow through their experiences and find somethings that they truly love.
However, as they start getting older we need to move across into the passenger seat and start to give them those opportunities to drive and shape the experiences they are involved in. We are still close by though and are there as and when we are needed.
The ultimate and final stage for us as parents though is to get into the Pit Lane and put our headsets on. We are still part of the experience but our children are driving and controlling the journey. We are there to listen, to observe and in the need of emergency still close enough to step in to help.
In today’s society in the name of compassion we have potentially become control freaks which if we hold onto for too long may hinder our children’s development.
The question is at what age does all of the above need to happen?
The reality is there is never going to be a defined age as every family context is going to be unique but there is no doubting that throughout the journey we should be trying to keep half an eye on our escape to the pit lane.
We all want our children to grow and develop into self-organised, purpose driven and intrinsically motivated young people and sport still provides one of the safest vehicles to help our children develop these skills.
One of the challenges that we currently face as parents of the Generation Z and Alpha generation is that our parenting approach may be hindering the above. We have become known as the generation of parents who struggle not to solve very problem for our children, removing as many obstacles as we can and trying to shield them from any form of upset and pain.
Lets be clear here and stick up for ourselves as there are some things that we do better as parents from previous generations but there are some things that we do not. Some of it is understandable due to the pressures we face as parents in keeping our children safe and the growth of technology and distractions meaning we can often feel slightly out of control.
We know from our workshops with parents on ‘Managing Disappointment’ that this can be a huge challenge for many. It is essential that throughout the sporting journey that we normalise elements of failure and disappointment, allow our children to be sad and disappointed and let them express their emotions where needed.
What a tough ask this is, it is such an uncomfortable time for us as parents to experience.
However, the benefit of being able to sit with this discomfort and allowing our children to share their challenges and frustrations should never be underestimated.
Our role in listening and providing perspective, showing balanced leadership and sharing our own experiences can be so valuable in helping our young sports people navigate the challenges that they will inevitably face.
What can we try to do then in our approach to help give them agency and advocate for themselves?
Co-create with them a tool-box of strategies
We don’t always have to do everything for them. When we have the time(not always possible as a sports parent) we need to equip them to do some things for themselves. On the most basic level this could be organising their own kit and equipment, involving them in nutritional conversations, planning their schedules alongside you.
Support them to drive the experience
This is probably one of the most challenging particularly as at times our children’s motivations may wane. However, as they get older they need to be the ones asking us to take them to training and getting themselves organised to meet their commitments. We spoke with Rachel Vickery, a former international gymnast now working in High Performance and she shared about how her parents took her to training but it was up to her to set her own alarm and get herself out of bed every day and her parents never intervened with this.
Connect and Listen
We need to get our young people talking and sharing things with us. We also need to encourage their conversation skills so that they can advocate for themselves and go and seek support from coaches, team mates, physios, sports psychologists and anyone they feel may be able to help support them at given points in time.
To achieve this we need to be able to listen particularly to our teenagers so that they know we can see things through their eyes and their perspectives as this helps deepen our relationships but also helps to build trust.
I recently tried some aspects of ‘Motivational Interviewing’ around reflective listening with my own son and he went home to tell his mum that he had had the best conversation ever with his dad. The Parents in Sport Podcast episode with Orla Adams is well worth a listen on how we can introduce aspects of ‘Motivational Interviewing’ into our sports parenting.
We also had feedback from a WSL girl’s academy programme where a couple of parents reported the best conversations with their daughters that they had in years by resisting the urge to step in but just asking really good open questions and listening more than talking!
Help them interpret the world and information around them
Children have more access to information than ever before. In many ways we do not need to fill this space and provide yet more information. However helping them to make sense of what they may see and hear, what are the good information sources for them and working through the nuances of contexts with them will be far more valuable in helping them to make sense of the world around them.
Many of us are heavily involved in our children’s sport both emotionally and financially but perhaps the greatest gift we can give our young people to help them fulfil their potential is to not steal their moment, their thunder and their experiences and try to get out of the drivers seat to the ‘Pit Lane’ as soon as we possibly can.
It’s time to stop stealing the satisfaction of achievement from our kids and let them show us what they can do. Twenty years ago, President Bush said it best: “When it comes to our kids, we’ve been guilty of the soft bigotry of low expectations.”
