I couldn’t believe it. My son had been buzzing the day before after an amazing training session. Less than 24 hours later, he was back in my lap saying he didn’t want to do this anymore. Did he mean he didn’t want to play football at all? Surely not, after how well things had gone the day before?
He was only seven at the time. It’s a story that has stayed with me, especially when talking to other parents over the years about how we handle our children when they aren’t up for a training session or activity.
How many of you have struggled to get your child onto the pitch, or even out of the house to get to training or a match? And how many of you have known your child wasn’t feeling 100%, but taken them anyway?
Getting it wrong
After some lengthy negotiation, I tried to get him onto the pitch and failed miserably. He just wasn’t having it. I should have left it there, but of course I didn’t. All the way home in the car, I went on and on about it. I gave him a hard time for dropping out and complained about the time we were giving up to take him. And could I get an answer out of him about why he didn’t want to play? Of course not.
The following week went the same way. He was fine at his other football session in the city, but back at the local village hall, he didn’t want to play. Again we went over it: what had he done that day? Was he too tired? Why didn’t he want to play? Still no answer.
It clearly wasn’t about football, because he’d played happily the day before. It had to be something about the environment. We tried one last time the week after, with the same result, and never went back.
What a child can work out
He clearly wasn’t happy, and enough was enough. It did seem a big coincidence that he’d been fine in the local hall until he experienced something better and more enjoyable elsewhere. Could a seven-year-old really tell a good coaching session from a bad one? I thought long and hard about it.
What I do think a child can work out is which session is more fun. And there it was. For him, success wasn’t about scoring goals or going to the session his parents wanted. It was about the one he enjoyed most. Once he’d discovered how much fun football could be, he didn’t want to go back to something less exciting.
Who can blame him? We wouldn’t, as adults, so why should a child?
When should you let them stop?
This opens up an interesting debate. When should you listen to your child and let them stop?
Forcing a child to keep doing a sport they truly don’t want to do can have long-term negative effects on how they feel about sport. But that’s different from a child who isn’t up for it on a particular day.
My view is that we should encourage children to honour their commitments. If they’ve signed up for a block of sessions or committed to a team for a season, they should see it through where possible. If they’re still unhappy at the end, that’s the right time to stop. Others may see it differently.
That said, from my own experience and from watching other children arrive at training or matches in the wrong frame of mind, I’ve seen little good come of it. The child performs well below their usual level and gets frustrated, and the parent on the sideline gets even more frustrated. Blood pressure rises by the minute, and it rarely ends well for either of them.
What if they’re unwell?
During a season, there will be plenty of times when your child isn’t 100%. But what if they’re ill, or have just been ill?
Many parents get caught up in the pressure of the situation rather than making a well-informed decision. Will missing training reflect badly on my child? If they miss a match, will they be dropped for the next one? Will it look like a lack of commitment? None of these questions should matter, but these gremlins can run through any parent’s mind.
Whatever the answers, if your child is ill or looks ill, don’t take them to play sport. It isn’t fair on them. They won’t play anywhere near their usual level, and you risk them being off sport, and school, for even longer. I’ve yet to see a child who was ill, or had just been ill, perform well in a match or training session.
We’ve all had to decide whether our child is well enough for school or the school play. Often our own disappointment at missing the match or performance clouds our judgement, when what matters is what’s best for our child.
Fear of something new
You might be thinking, “But you took your son to a session three times when he clearly didn’t want to be there!” That’s true, but he wasn’t ill. Sometimes, as parents, we need to avoid knee-jerk reactions and not let our children simply pick and choose. That means talking it through with them and trying again in the short term, because there could be all sorts of reasons they don’t want to go:
- Has someone said something unkind to them?
- Are they scared of someone in the group?
- Have they misunderstood something the coach said?
All of these can usually be sorted out with the right handling, and your child will soon be back enjoying the activity.
A new environment can be frightening for young children, and as parents we need to understand and help them manage that.
A couple of years later, we moved our son to a much bigger and very different setup. The sheer scale of it took its toll. After a great first week, weeks two and three were defining moments. In week two, we got him to join in for part of the session. Week three was looking like a complete write-off. We’d driven 45 minutes and given up a lot of time, so you can imagine how frustrated we were, with lots of other parents watching as we struggled to get our child to take part.
I wasn’t there that week; it was just my wife. Ten minutes in, still unable to get our son onto the pitch, she turned to him and said: “This is your last chance. Either you play now, or we go back to the local sports hall, go home and throw away all your footballs.”
I must stress that my wife is one of the kindest, most caring people on the planet. This wasn’t like her at all. Something had tipped her over the edge: the beautiful world of sports parenting!
From that moment, our son joined in and has never looked back. He’s never refused to join a session since, and has never worried about new coaches, new teammates or new environments. For him, it’s all just playing.
Were we right to take such a hard line? That’s debatable, and threats certainly aren’t something we’d recommend. It happened to work for us, but it could just as easily have backfired.
Guide, don’t force
Children that age often don’t know what they really want, and they can have fears we don’t fully understand. Should we let them bail out at the first sign of fear? Probably not. But we do need to guide and support them.
If the fear continues and they still don’t want to take part, think twice before pushing them. That doesn’t mean they’ll never enjoy that sport or environment. It may simply mean they aren’t ready for it yet.
So next time you’re struggling to get your child to their sport, or you’re worried they’re not 100%, I hope you can take some comfort from our experiences and make a well thought-out decision.
Good luck. You’re not alone.
Our top tips
- Make sure your child is having fun.
- Don’t let your own disappointment cloud your judgement.
- Illness and injury are part of life. A missed game or session isn’t the end of the world.
- If your child is upset, calmly try to get to the bottom of it.
- Don’t give up at the first sign of difficulty. Give things some time.
