Parents, we want to help you protect your children, teens and young adults from abuse.
We realise you may find discussing these topics with your children really awkward and not something that you want to even consider. Yet as awkward as these preventive conversations may be, they are a thousand times less uncomfortable and heartbreaking than any conversations you will need to have with your child if they experience abuse.
Our intention in sharing this information is to make discussing these topics with your children as easy as possible.
I am Dr. Amy Saltzman, a physician, former competitive gymnast, sur-thrivor of decades of covert emotional abuse, and an expert in protecting athletes of all ages from all types of abuse.
In the wake of the Yates report (which detailed extensive abuse in the US National Women’s Soccer League) I was appointed to the US Soccer Participant Safety Taskforce. The Taskforce is responsible for protecting soccer players of all ages and abilities from all types of abuse.
To empower athletes ages 8 and up to recognise and report abuse, I use the analogies of sneaky and obvious spiders. Sneaky abuse is also known as grooming, covert emotional abuse, or coercive control.
You can protect your children from grooming and abuse by teaching them to recognise the patterns that sneaky and obvious spiders weave.
In the lists below, I describe the four types of abuse. Use the lists and the related discussion questions to open a dialogue with your children about concerning and potentially abusive behaviours.
You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I want you to know you can always talk to me about anything or anyone in your life that makes you feel weird or unsafe. Most people you meet will be kind and helpful. And I want you to understand when someone might be trying to hurt your mind, your body or your heart. For now we will call these people trying to hurt you ‘spiders’. There are sneaky spiders and obvious spiders.” Adapt the language to suit your style and your child.
Sneaky Abuse
Sneaky abuse is sneaky! That means it is very hard to spot. Let’s talk about some of the patterns sneaky abusive spiders weave to trap (groom) you.
Sneaky abusive spiders may:
- Make you feel special. They may tell you that you are awesome, give you little gifts, send you private messages, or offer you a ride home or private coaching. (Note, in elite programs this feeling of specialness is often just part of the program, and a spider coach uses the specialness of the program to trap you.)
- Often they are very charming. They will try to convince you (and your parents or teammates) that you should trust them. If you feel like someone is being too nice, or being weird or creepy, trust yourself, and tell me.
- Sneakily bully you. This sneaky bullying alternates between making you feel special and hopeful “you are one of the best athletes I have ever coached,” and making you feel afraid “You don’t have what it takes.” “You need me to succeed.” This kind of sneaky bullying is different from the obvious bullying and abuse discussed later.
- Separate you from your family, friends, and teammates. They might try to get you to stop trusting people who care about you and trying to protect you from the spider coach. They may say “Your teammates are just jealous,” or “Your parents’ doubts are holding you back.”
- Often have favourite athletes, and ignore or are mean to other athletes
- Lie to or try to make you doubt what you know is true. They say “I never said that” or “You aren’t remembering correctly.”
Sneaky abusive spiders want you to trust them and doubt yourself. They separate you from people who want to protect you. Most of all, they want you to do what they say. If you feel uncomfortable with or afraid of someone, please tell me or another adult you trust.
Obvious Abuse
Obvious spiders weave three basic patterns: emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.
Some spiders start off as obvious spiders. Other spiders start off as sneaky spiders and only turn into obvious spiders after they have sneakily trapped you in their web. (Sneaky spiders are most likely to turn into obvious, sexually abusive spiders).
All three types of obvious abuse are much easier to spot than sneaky abuse. And, it is still very important to know the patterns obvious spiders weave.
Obvious emotionally abusive spiders may:
- Yell or say mean things, like “You’re an idiot!” “You are the reason we lost.”
- Say nasty things based on your looks, weight, race, religious beliefs, and (if you are old enough to be in a romantic relationship) based on who you love.
- Make mean faces; use nasty or threatening hand gestures; get in your space in an angry, mean way; throw a clipboard, water bottle, or chair; kick something; or slam a locker door.
Obvious physically abusive spiders
- Use their bodies to hurt your body
- They pinch, push, hit, or kick you.
- Do not use proper safety equipment, or “miss” when they are spotting you.
- Make you hurt your own body. For example, they
- Make you train too hard or when you are sick or injured.
- Make you train without enough food, drink, rest, or in very hot or very cold weather.
- Make you do workouts or skills that you aren’t ready for.
- Tell you to ignore the trainer or doctor.
- Make you lose a lot of weight so you are too skinny.
- Make you take “vitamins or medicines” that are on the banned list (this is called doping).
Obvious sexually abusive
Sexual abuse involves your sexual body parts or the spider’s sexual body parts. It is important that you know where the sexual body parts are and the correct name for each part. Research says that people of all ages who know the names and locations of the sexual body parts are much less likely to be abused.
Sexual body parts are hands, mouth, breasts, buttocks, vagina, penis, and anus. If you can say hands and mouth, then you can say breasts, buttocks, vagina, penis, and anus. Click the following links for G-rated bathing suit images or anatomically correct nude images.
Sexual abuse involves anyone:
- Touching you without permission.
- Pinching or tickling you; hugging you for too long or too tight; asking you to sit on their lap, or lie down with them.
- Talking to you about sexual body parts or sex, including your relationships with someone you are dating .
- Asking to see your sexual body parts in real life, or in a photo or video.
- Showing you their sexual body parts in real life or in a photo or video.
- Touching your sexual body parts.
- Asking you to touch their sexual body parts.
Athletes
It is ok if you do not remember all the information about the patterns that sneaky and obvious spiders weave. The most important thing is that you immediately tell an adult you trust if someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable or if you think someone might be an abusive spider.
Parents
We encourage you to keep this conversation going.
- Watch the Spot a Spider videos.
The videos explain the four types of abuse in more detail; why people sometimes ignore abusive coaching; the difference between passionate and abusive coaching; appropriate touch in sporting context; and why it may be hard for athletes to speak up in the moment.
The videos also provide a simple definition of gaslighting and a single question to help you and your children decide if someone’s behaviour is abusive. While the videos are geared toward athletes and use the terms coach and athlete, the videos will help your children recognise abusive spiders in a variety of settings—–- schools, performing arts, religious settings, community activities, and close relationships.
- Consistently and proactively ask your children about what they see and how they feel during training, competition, and travel.
- Believe and support your children when they report abuse.
- Ask your club about their abuse prevention policies and procedures and about training to ensure positive athlete-centred coaching.
Taking these actions will empower your children to spot and stop the subtle behaviours of grooming and the obvious behaviours of overt abuse, and protect them from a lifetime of suffering.
We are proud to partner with Amy Saltzman M.D. and Spot a Spider to empower parents and youth athletes to recognise and report grooming and all forms of emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
Judge Rosemarie Aquilina (the judge who sentenced Larry Nassar to 150 years in prison) proudly serves on the Spot a Spider board, and is actively promoting the program.
