Disclaimer: I’m writing this not as a disgruntled coach tired of “pain-in-the-butt” parents, but as someone who has watched a generation of young people struggle not just to find joy and fulfilment in their sport, but to feel worthy of their parents’ love. I’ve seen the tears, the meltdowns, the growing anxiety and depression. I also know how many well-intentioned parents are getting lost inside their child’s sporting experience.
Dear Parent,
- who posts their child’s box score after every game on social media;
- who sets up a separate camera just to film their child’s every move;
- who edits highlight reels of their child’s performance to share online;
- who proudly talks about how many college “offers” their child has received;
- who believes getting an athletic scholarship is “making it”;
- who goes on high school sports forums to bash other players and teams;
- who contacts the coach when their child’s name is misspelled or their points are wrong in the newspaper box score;
- who cries when their child is benched for not being a good teammate;
- who blames the coach for their child’s poor stats or missing the all-star team;
- who cries, genuinely, after a game their child didn’t get to play in;
- who lies awake after their child’s team is crushed by the opposition;
- who yells, punishes, or turns cold with disappointment after a poor performance;
- who only cheers from the stands when their own child is on the field;
- who waits outside the locker room to critique their child’s performance;
- who tells their child to look out for themselves and “get theirs”;
- who lectures on the car ride home.
I write this for the parents who won’t let their child struggle, or work through a challenge on their own. Without meaning to, you’re taking away one of their greatest chances to grow, to build the work ethic, grit and resourcefulness they’ll need to actually succeed.
I write this for the parent who, whether they realise it or not, finds their own value and self-worth in their child’s sporting achievements. Your worth shouldn’t come from what your child does. It has to come from who you are.
As a coach, I’ve seen it too many times, the parent who is more devastated by a big loss, a lack of playing time, or a poor performance than the child themselves.
One of the biggest obstacles to a child’s success and enjoyment in sport is the belief that their value has to come from performance and achievement, rather than from who they are as a person. Praise the wins, the awards, the accolades too heavily, and you build a fixed mindset. You add pressure that doesn’t need to be there. As Joshua Medcalf and Jamie Gilbert put it in Transformational Leadership, you risk pushing children toward performance-based identity prisons.
Let me tell you about that prison. I knew it well, as a teenage boy.
It’s the place where you feel you must keep achieving, keep doing more, just to be worthy of love. Where nothing ever quite feels like enough, because there’s always another point to score, another trophy to win, another scholarship to chase.
I know that isn’t what you want for your child. I know it isn’t what you’re trying to do. And yet it’s the reality in so many parent-athlete relationships.
My plea
Praise your children for their effort, in a world that rewards taking the easy way out. Praise them for their attitude, in a culture that leans negative. Praise them for their resilience in the face of adversity. Praise them for their empathy and selflessness, in a sporting world that too often prizes “me first” and winning at any cost.
But more than any of that, love and be proud of your children simply for being your children.
Because they shouldn’t have to earn that.
This guest blog was contributed by JP Nerbun of Thrive on Challenge LLC. The full, original article can be found at thriveonchallenge.com
