“Coaches, there’s a parent bothering my assistant referee. I don’t care whose parent it is. Make them stop. If you fail to control your parent, I will card a coach.”
I smiled and confidently explained that “my parents know better. We have a rule: let the players play, the coaches’ coach, and the referees ref.”
“Coach, it’s your dad!” My captain called to me. My smugness quickly faded, and I was faced with the strangest “coach’s walk” of my career. Having to trudge across the field, in front of everyone, to address my father.
I made the long, awkward walk to my father who was stationed in his little folding chair right at the midline, as he was every game, so he “could have the best view”.
“Dad, please stop talking to the ref. Please let everyone do their jobs and enjoy the game.” I said, wishing, at that moment, I was anywhere but there.
A 40-year-old man with three children of his own and a Director of Coaching at a large club.
A grown man who has not played competitively in nearly two decades. The coach, at this moment in time, of a team of 10-year-olds.
Yet, somehow, I was obligated to tell my father to let the kids play. Let me repeat that in case you did not catch it: I was the coach, and it was my father disrupting a youth football match.
Why was my father even at the game?
Because, as he has told me a multitude of times over both my playing and coaching career, he is my biggest fan. He loves watching me play and coach!
For the last 25 years my father would show up at my house every weekend, with trusty chair in hand, to hitch a ride to my games. He’d stay with me all day on multi-game days. He’d ride with me and stay at the hotel on road trips. He was always there. Posted up like a sentry on watch at the midline telling anyone who would listen, “That’s my son!”
“Which one is your son?” People would ask, trying to do the math of a 60-something man at a youth sports event.
“The coach!”
I was never going to stop my dad from attending the games I coached. I honestly don’t know if I would have wanted him to stop. I knew no matter what, my father would be there and would be cheering for my team and bragging on me. He was my biggest fan.
Honestly, of all the things I miss most about coaching is seeing my dad posted in his red chair on the far sideline. The sense of joy, the sheer confidence, the empowering feeling I had knowing someone loved me so unconditionally drove me to be a better coach, a better father, a better human. He was a source of immense inspiration for me in my growth as a coach, educator, advocate. If having your parent as your biggest fan is that impactful for a grown man, imagine what it does for our children: to be their biggest fan!
More importantly, one of the gifts my father gave me was teaching me to be my own ally. His dedication, his passion for my work, and the words he spoke to me all those amazing weekends (especially in the car ride home) were the foundation for me becoming my own biggest fan. It is hard not to shift to positive self-talk when your passenger is such a big fan.
“Self-allyship” is the greatest gift my parents ever gave me. It is a work in progress, and I need to remind myself often of their zeal. I remind myself daily that if my parents are such big fans of mine, why can’t I be a fan too. My resilience, my success, my mindset, and my drive are tied to how they have made me feel about my work over the years.
I encourage you to do the same for your children. There is no doubt you love them and want what is best for them. I adamantly believe parents do what they do out of love.
You want to pave the path for your children. You want them to avoid any suffering. You want to see them happy and successful. Sometimes that leads to some emotional moments, and some unusual behaviours, but there is no doubt it is out of love for your kids. The best way to focus our love for them is to understand that we must prepare them for the path rather than prepare the path for them.
I applaud each one of you for being your child’s biggest fans and if you want to create a lasting impact and see them succeed long after the ball stops rolling, seek to also instil in them this desire to be their own biggest fans.
Teaching your children to be their own biggest fan is not difficult if you are intentional, remain aware of your interactions, and employ these emotional fitness concepts when you watch your children play:
Internal Focus of Control
Apply the Art of Encouragement – Encouragement, when done properly, builds up a child’s internal locus of control. Most days, children feel like a passenger in their learning journey. Whether it is having to follow the schedules and wishes of the adults in their life, being reliant on the input of teammates or coaches, or facing the uncertainty of opponents, weather, referees, and other external variables, feeling like they have control of their environment can be difficult.
One way to shift that locus of control internally and allow our children to have greater control over their performances, and confidence, is to use more encouragement language. When they do something instead of being a “good jobber” like I was early in my career or praising the outcomes (“good goal”), tell them what they did right to get to where they are. Share with them the specific examples, point out repeatable actions, use concrete language to encourage the behaviours that led to the success. Saying something like, “Wow. You ran so hard and got to the right spot to receive that pass.
That’s why you scored. Way to work hard without the ball,” Tells an athlete what they did well and gives them the blueprint for doing it again. This teaches them how to control what they can control in a dynamic, chaotic environment and instills a strong internal locus of control. That serves them well in future endeavours and teaches them to find pride in their work.
Intrinsic Motivation
Shift to “You” language – Telling children “you should be proud”, or “you did that all on your own” and using language that puts them at the centre of the equation develops intrinsic motivation in our children. We want them to inherently do the things they do and not do them because someone is making them, or they expect an external reward for it. “Doing hard things” requires intrinsic motivation. Everything we do may not always be fun, but if we are inherently motivated to do those things, it will bring enjoyment. Life is not a sun-drenched walk through the rose garden.
We want our children to grow up prepared for the dark parts of the path too. Intrinsic motivation is a key factor in helping them be resilient and strong in the difficult times and it leads to a strong work ethic. “You” language makes the sporting experience, the effort, the good and bad worth it to them. This also works by asking them “you” questions: “what did you think of the game”, “what did you like about that performance”, “what do you want to play”?
You’d be surprised at how excited a child gets when they are asked what they want. You make the experience and the journey theirs and no one can take that back from them.
Growth Mindset
Carol Dweck’s Power of Yet – Part of becoming your own biggest fan is having grace for when you fail and celebrating with awe when you do something new. Have you ever watched a baby solve a puzzle or accomplish something new in their world. They get so excited. They seem so surprised, almost in awe of their own skill. This is, unfortunately, a behaviour that fades with time. Unless someone continues to remind us. By deploying the power of yet with our children, we are teaching them to stay resilient and to celebrate even small wins.
When your child says “I can’t” tell them, “Yet. You can’t yet, but we will help you and do it together. You will be able to do it and how cool will it feel when you can do it!” Every time they hit a roadblock, be the one to say “yet”. Keep them in their logical brain (instead of the lizard brain). Get them to imagine what it would look like if they could do it. Scaffold their learning with resources and support.
Teach them that skills are not innate, they are developed and sometimes we need the right tools to develop them. Hard work, failure, adapting, trying new things, and learning from mistakes are all parts of the recipe for growth. Like the foundational ingredient in a great recipe (for me that is the protein part of it) “yet” is the most important part and it leads to amazing outcomes. Be a “Yet-ie” when your children struggle.
Forgiving Internal Dialogue
Unconditional Love Unlocks Courage – In times of high stress and adversity, especially when there are consequences attached to performance (losing, being punished, getting benched, feeling embarrassed in front of strangers, disappointing people), the amygdala and the fear response in our brain is heightened (the lizard brain). We degrade into a fight, flee, or freeze mentality (ever watch a child completely freeze up in a tense match?). The logic brain takes a backseat to fear, and no learning can happen. It is important, at that moment, to reactivate the frontal lobe and calm the “lizard brain”. The easiest way to do this is to remove the consequences. This does not mean we run onto the field and knock everyone down so they can score the game winning goal. The consequences are there. They are part of the game. Our goal should be to remove them from the child’s internal dialogue.
Let them know that the consequences do not define them, and the outcomes don’t change how you feel about them. Remind them you love them. No. Matter. What. Happens. This unconditional love, regardless of any possible outcomes, lights a fire within a child that is not easily extinguished. It teaches them to have grace for themselves and to love themselves. It guides a self-talk that is gentler and more loving and helps them develop a forgiving internal dialogue. This self-talk will serve them in life. My mom and dad live 3,000 miles from me, yet, when I face tough times, I remember that no matter what happens, they will love me for me and not the things that happen. It is empowering, reassuring, and frees me from negative internal dialogue. My dad always told me “I will never measure you by the things that happen to you, only by how you choose to respond”.
Please continue to be your child’s biggest fan.
Children need that one person they can always count on the cheer for them. Begin to arm them with an internal locus of control, intrinsic motivation, a growth mindset, and a loving internal dialogue so one day they can be their own biggest fan.
One day when you cannot be there for them, they can be resilient in the worst of times and still love who they are. They can excel way beyond the game because you gave them the greatest gift a sports parent can give – how to be their own biggest fan.
I know, whether my dad is at that midline or not, he will always be my biggest fan, and more importantly, he gave me the blueprint for becoming my own.
“Coach Reed” Maltbie is a bestselling author, TED speaker, educator, and optimum performance specialist, is a thought leader in his field. With dual master’s degrees in sports psychology and early childhood development, combined with three decades of professional coaching experience, Coach Reed has established himself as a global authority on cultivating and achieving peak performance, creating cultures of excellence, and developing leaders who transform lives.
His new book, “The Spartan Mindset: Mastering the Language of Excellence,” became an overnight international bestseller, emphasising the impact of language on performance.
