One of the most dreaded conversations between players, coaches and parents is about playing time, nobody likes it.
In my workshops on conflict resolution for coaches and directors of coaching, I ask them to identify the most common source of difficult conversations and conflict they encounter. The answer, almost every time, is playing time.
Player and parent preparation
A playing time conversation should happen between a player and a coach. A parent’s role is to help the player frame their concerns and prepare for the conversation. If further conversations are needed, parents can be part of them in a supporting role, but parents shouldn’t be the primary voice speaking to a coach about playing time.
The issue needs to be triggered by the player, whatever their age. If a parent raises it instead, they’re assuming on the child’s behalf. It’s worth checking in with the child first, before ever raising it with the coach.
Even at younger ages, if a conversation happens, the child should be there, it’s about them, after all. The same questions below still apply, though there’s a real risk of the parent dominating the conversation without meaning to.
Stay in touch with what’s going on for your child and watch for the signs: wishing they could play more, feeling left out, worrying they aren’t improving. Then get curious and start asking questions.
- What are games like for you? What do you enjoy about them? What do you wish would happen?
- What are practices like for you?
- What’s it like being on the team? What do you enjoy? What do you wish would happen this season?
Open questions that invite real reflection are key here, try to avoid anything that lets your child simply answer “yes” or “no.”
I remember two conversations, over a decade ago now, between my son and his coach about playing time. It was genuinely difficult to quiet the protective parent in me and lean on the trained mediator instead. Looking back, I wish one of us had simply asked my son why he wanted more playing time. That one question could have made both conversations far more constructive.
The first key question for a constructive conversation is: “Why do you want more playing time?”
Why does that matter? Because a playing time conversation should be about the individual player, not about other players, their ability, or how much time they’re getting.
Asking ‘why’ helps people move past an entrenched position (‘I want more playing time’) and into the underlying interests and assumptions behind it. It gives the player a chance to test how realistic those assumptions are against their own actual goals.
Some of the reasons a player might want more playing time:
- To become a better player in their favourite position.
- To get noticed by a college coach they’d like to play for.
- To feel like a genuinely important part of the team.
Working out the real reason behind the request, before the conversation happens, lets a player go into it with a clear purpose rather than just a grievance.
Empowerment, not entitlement
The first part of the conversation should focus on why the player wants more playing time. If they don’t offer that reason unprompted, the coach can ask anything from a direct ‘Why do you want more playing time?’ to a gentler ‘Help me understand why this matters to you.’
Once a coach understands what’s driving the request, they can often offer more than one route to meeting it. That might include playing time, but it might equally mean position-specific training, another way to contribute to the team, or simply correcting a mistaken belief, held by player or parent about what more playing time would achieve.
Starting with ‘why’ gives the coach room to use their own knowledge and experience to find the right answer, rather than being backed into a single yes-or-no decision.
The second key question, one a player should ask their coach directly, is: “What do I need to do to earn more playing time?”
Part of a coach’s job is deciding who plays where and when. Squads are built larger than a starting line-up specifically so there are substitutes available which means, by design, not everyone can play every minute.
On recreational teams, there may be a minimum playing-time requirement, though even that’s often tied to attending training and turning up on time. On more competitive teams, playing time tends to reflect both those basics and genuine competition for places. Rarely is any player entitled to a guaranteed amount of game time.
Asking a coach how to earn more playing time does three useful things:
- It shows a genuine willingness to put in the work.
- It avoids putting the coach on the defensive by attacking their decisions directly.
- It opens the door for the coach to suggest specific, concrete actions the player can take.
Location, Location, Location
When and where the conversation happens matters more than people think.
Avoid anywhere within earshot of other players or parents. This is a conversation between one player and their coach; it isn’t the business of anyone else on the team.
Timing matters too. I once made the mistake of agreeing to talk with my son and his coach in a car park, right before training. Both felt the pressure of needing to wrap up before the session started, and it likely raised the tension they then carried onto the field with their teammates straight after. Neither had the time to properly think through what had been said, or how they might act on it.
A conversation right after a match or session brings its own problems, try having it while other players are waiting for the same car home.
Pick a time and place that suits the player, the coach, and the parent if they’re involved. Don’t let logistics add stress to a conversation that’s difficult enough already.
Tips for a constructive conversation
- Let the player take the lead. The conversation should happen between player and coach first, without parents in the room.
- If you feel stuck, defensive or frustrated, ask a question. ‘Help me understand why’ and ‘What do I need to do to reach my goal?’ both open the door to real information and possible next steps.
- Choose a time and place with no pressure attached, not right before or right after training, and out of earshot of other players and parents.
Final thoughts
Does this apply to the very youngest players too? (Question from Gordon MacLelland)
Conversations about playing time or even just belonging do involve parents at younger ages. It’s a genuine opportunity to encourage a young player to start talking to their coach directly, and to begin taking on some of that responsibility themselves, so long as it’s handled well. A parent’s support is valuable here, as opposed to the other side of that coin: a parent who takes over, dominates the conversation, or makes assumptions about how their child feels and what they need.
In those cases, I’d suggest the parent do a little homework first, to check in with the child before anything is said to the coach and then act as a facilitator, posing the questions that help the child tell the coach what’s worrying them or what they’re hoping for. In other words, the parent sets the table, then steps back and lets the child and coach do the talking.
Ruth Nicholson is the founder of GO!, an on-demand resource and training platform offering youth sports organisations proven governance, leadership and administrative tools. Since launching in mid-2017, Ruth and the GO! team have worked with 27 sports across 4 continents. An internationally certified professional facilitator, mediator and organisational alchemist, Ruth was a national finalist for the 2018 Hudl Innovator of the Year award.
