We all like being told that we’ve done well, we’re good at something or someone believes in us. It might make us feel confident and motivate us to keep improving. On the flip side, if someone tells us we’re not good enough or we’ve performed poorly at something, we may feel anxious, upset, and potentially even avoid that situation in the future.
The way that we talk to ourselves can have this very same impact… and yet we can often be guilty of speaking to, or about ourselves, negatively and in ways we would never do to someone else. Self-talk is therefore an important psychological skill to harness and use to positively support our feelings & behaviours.
What is self-talk?
Self-talk, as suggested by the name, refers to the way we talk to ourselves. This might be expressed out loud verbally or as an inner voice only heard in our head. This self-talk is often revealing of our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas. Self-talk can be positive or negative and can be broadly categorised into different types:
- Spontaneous
This self-talk is not something that’s done consciously or purposefully… it’s natural and often reflects what we’re thinking and feeling (be it physically or mentally) e.g., ‘I’m too tired to train tonight’ or ‘I find this drill easy’. This form of self-talk can still be helpful, since it gives us good insight into what’s going on for us and how we’re feeling. This can allow us to acknowledge our feelings (e.g., I’m too tired to train, I don’t feel up to it’) and attempt to problem solve (e.g., I might reason with myself it’s only an hour and I can do it, or I might talk about my feelings with my mum).
- Goal-directed
In contrast, goal-directed self-talk is intentional and aimed at changing the way we feel or guiding our behaviour/performance. Something we might all resonate with is feeling nervous before an important moment. In sporting terms that might be a big game or a pressurised instance e.g., penalty kick. Here, we may use self-talk to try and give ourselves advice, ‘focus on what you can control, just go and try your best’. It might also take the form of a short cue, such as ‘deep breath’. Here, self-talk may help calm our nerves or act as a reminder to walk onto the pitch confidently. It’s important to note we might not always guide ourselves in a helpful manner, such as being self-critical or negative, and so being aware of our self-talk and its influence is important. An athlete may also use goal-directed self-talk in supporting skill development, e.g., reminding themselves to ‘brush the ear’ when learning to bowl in cricket.
How can self-talk impact young athletes?
As mentioned before, self-talk often represents our beliefs and thoughts. Our thoughts can be highly influential upon our feelings and behaviours, and therefore in sport, our performance. If a coach told your child they played rubbish or criticised them for every mistake, it’s quite likely this would hurt your child’s feelings, perhaps cause them to feel low in confidence and doubt themselves. They may become fearful of performing poorly and making mistakes and then make more mistakes or avoid involvement completely.
As said before, the influence of our inner voice is no different. Without realising it, the things we are saying to ourselves may actually be hurting our performance and/or wellbeing and taking us away from goal achievement. Take the example of performing poorly, one athlete might say to themselves ‘I didn’t play my best today, but it’s not the end of the world, I can learn from it’.
Another might reflect ‘I played terribly today, I’m a total failure’. In the first statement, the athlete offers themselves understanding, perspective, and encouragement to go again. It’s likely they’re not going to beat themselves up over this but use it as a chance to improve. In contrast, the second statement uses quite harsh language and defines self-worth using one performance. This athlete may spend the next few days feeling down about this performance and dread training next week.
As highlighted, the consequences of speaking to ourselves positively or negatively can have a contrasting difference*:
| Positive Self-talk | Negative Self-talk |
| Increased excitement/reduced anxiety | Increased anxiety |
| Increased performance | Reduced performance |
| Greater self-esteem | Less self-belief |
| Approach behaviours | Avoidance behaviours |
*It’s not necessarily always as black and white as this as far as outcomes go… some people might at times find negative self-talk motivating for example. However, we want to encourage positive self-talk for happier and healthier individuals.”
What can parents do to support positive self-talk?
So, as parents what can you do to encourage positive self-talk from your child? Here are five tips:
- Recognising and challenging negative self-talk/unhelpful thinking
The first step to actively engaging in more positive self-talk is being more aware of your thoughts and any potential negative thinking. Listen out for the way your child is speaking to/about themselves e.g., before a challenging game, when reflecting on a performance. If you notice them being quite critical, negative, or perhaps irrational then bring this to their attention and gently challenge those thoughts. What could be a more helpful or positive way for them to think about the situation?
- Talk to a friend method
One way that can be useful to get your child to not only reflect on the way they’re speaking to themselves but think about a kinder or more helpful way of using self-talk is to use the ‘talk to a friend’ scenario. Perhaps your child is feeling anxious about something or disappointed with a performance… get them to think about what they would tell their friend in this situation, what would they say to help them feel better? They can then try to reframe their own thinking with this in mind. Often, we can find it a lot easier to find positive, encouraging words when not thinking about ourselves!
- Practice cue words for different situations
It can be useful to practice cue words to use in different situations. You can support your child to do this, essentially planning for times they might need positive self-talk in their sport e.g., moments before the game starts, taking an important shot/throw/kick etc. You can also encourage them to think of positive phrases they connect with, maybe from a song or film they like which can help encourage and motivate them.
- Ensuring the content of positive self-talk is useful
When encouraging your child to use positive self-talk, whatever the form, there are a few recommendations for its content. First and foremost, keep it realistic. Don’t have your child tell themselves they’re the best player in the world if that’s way off what they believe. Instead, help them incorporate their personal strengths into self-talk and previous challenges they have overcome.
It’s also been suggested using ‘you’ and third person language is helpful when engaging in self-talk e.g., ‘you’ve got this’. Finally, help them focus on approach language (what they can, will, or want to do) rather than avoidance language (what they can’t, won’t do, or want to avoid).
- Consider the influence of your own language
Last, but not least, in supporting your child to use positive self-talk, be a role model and check your own language. If you notice yourself using negative self-talk out loud, could you use this as a chance to challenge yourself in front of your child and use a more positive thought instead?
Equally, are you encouraging your child’s positive thoughts and mindset within conversations? E.g., promoting compassion around mistakes, presenting a nerve-wracking game as a challenge and opportunity. If the conversations and language from yourself conflict with the idea of positive self-talk, it will be a lot harder for your child to adopt.
It’s important to note that self-talk is not sport-specific, that inner voice does not simply turn off in other situations. Being able to learn the skill of positive, and helpful self-talk is something that can help us cope and approach various situations positively, in and outside of sport, to the benefit of performance and wellbeing.
Lydia Giles is a Sport and Exercise Psychologist in Training (SEPiT) who currently works with a range of sports teams and athletes providing psychological support. Her work is broadly centred around promoting helpful and adaptive thinking to aid performance and wellbeing. She has also conducted research with elite youth football parents in the topic of academy release. To find out more about Lydia, her work, and the services she offers you can visit www.lgsportpsychology.co.uk
