Refereeing your own child adds a different dynamic to the normal parent-child coaching relationship. Here are five ways to be a good referee for everyone.
I’ve refereed both my sons, sometimes in football, but mostly in rugby. My eldest recently recalled my one of my performances for a tough school cup match. They lost. One of my son’s teammates told him that “Your dad is a p***k”. Luckily, he still loves me, even after 27 years!
Despite being very confident about my rugby refereeing abilities, it was much harder to referee my
children than adults. The emotional rollercoaster that normally goes with being the referee became much harder.
Here are my top tips and reflections based on those experiences mixed in with years of talking to others at both professional and grassroots level.
Pre-emptive conversation
Ask your child how they feel about you being the referee. The question should be framed not as a choice over whether it will happen but to prepare them for what may be ahead.
With them, discuss where you might not be able to support them or what should happen if they disagree with a decision.
Also, help to prepare them in how to deal with opposition players, coaches and spectators being less than kind about your decisions.
No need to tell the opposition
If you are going to referee well, the opposition needn’t know that you have a stake in the game beyond refereeing.
Of course, some teams will know already. Unfortunately, that will fuel some bias on their part, especially when a subjective decision doesn’t go their way.
You have already told your child how to deal with it. For you personally, it is always best to try and ignore any interaction that is a consequence of this perceived bias. They won’t believe you made any decision that doesn’t favour your child!
Neutral language
You will have already spoken to your child about how that they will be treated like any other player. To make this even more effective, you should try to keep your language as neutral as possible, as if you didn’t know any players on either team. Using numbers as opposed to names can certainly help with this.
Also, where possible use the referees’ law book as your language to explain decisions rather than add any colour.
Break the bias
Refereeing your own team is hard enough. It is easy to compensate both ways. Sometimes you aren’t cheating but favouring your team because you see them every week and you know that they are trying something, and you want to reward that.
Break the bias by favouring the opposition on close decisions. If you are accused of being a tough referee by your own side, take that as a compliment.
Projecting this on your child is even tougher. You are desperate for them to play well, enjoy the experience and be motivated to keep playing. Mentally rehearse tight moments where they may not be doing so well. How are you going
to react?
This is where you need leaders in the team to support your child. For example, tell the team about the challenges of refereeing them ahead of games, perhaps sharing that in more detail with more mature players.
Your co-coaches will have to work hard on your behalf. They should also remember that you are doing them a favour by refereeing instead of them!
Discuss the game, not your decisions
Post-game, you will definitely feel anxious and hyped up.
You need to allow time to bring yourself into the present of being a parent. That’s why, even if your child is asking for detail on your decisions (which they shouldn’t, but they don’t always comply with your previous good ideas), you need to say that you will chat about the game but not yet.
When you do come to discuss the game, lead the conversation away from your performance. You might have been brilliant – you don’t need your child to say that. More likely, you will feel you made too many errors or are conscious of others thinking that.
Again, any discussion of that nature should be with your co-coaches, not your child.
I must admit it was a far more enjoyable experience watching my sons play when I was neither the coach nor the referee. However, that sacrifice enabled many other great opportunities for them and their team-mates. We need to referee positively to grow the game. I hope these tips encourage not just you, but others in your coaching groups to take
up the whistle and share the burden.
Dan Cottrell is the editor of Rugby Coach Weekly. Both his sons are now grown up but still
play team sports. Neither of them is a referee…yet.
