In my role as a leadership coach and trainer across sport, business and education, I’m often asked which single attribute I’d prioritise for success. I never hesitate, it’s always resilience. I needed it in abundance myself, first as a Premier League and international football referee, more recently as a headteacher, and now as the parent of a keen golfing son.
The good news is that resilience can be learned. It’s a process of continual development, and in my view, one of the most important things a parent can build alongside their sport-mad child.
What you can do…..
Build confidence
A child’s belief in their own ability comes from confidence and competence together. To build this: focus on their strengths and empower them to make their own decisions; praise honestly, tied to specific achievements that came from real effort; praise the process and the attitude, not just the result; and keep the focus on their enjoyment of the sport itself.
Encourage an “expectation-free” culture
The expectations you place on your child can drive stress, anxiety, and added pressure to perform. They need to be free to play their own game as if you, or their coach, weren’t even there, focused only on what’s actually within their control: their preparation, their practice, their diet, how fully they commit to a shot in golf, their court awareness in netball, or reading the opposition’s tactics and weaknesses in football. Prioritise what’s already working for them, and acknowledge even the smallest step in the right direction.
Listen and communicate without judgement
Building non-judgemental listening skills as a parent will help you handle your child’s sporting setbacks with more confidence, and stop you accidentally pouring fuel on the fire. Get to know when and where your child is actually likely to open up about a competition that didn’t go well. Is it the car ride home, where you’re not facing each other? Or later, once they’ve cooled down and had time to process? Your job is to bring acceptance, genuineness and empathy, which creates a safe, comfortable space for your child to talk openly without fear of being judged. And remember: telling your child you understand, and already have the answer, before they’ve even finished explaining the problem, isn’t listening at all.
Ask “great growth” questions
One of the first questions many parents ask after a competition is “Did you win?” Here’s the reality. Most of the time they won’t have, and it’s often entirely outside their control anyway. So how does that question actually make them feel? That winning is the only thing you value? Try questions that build confidence and, in turn, resilience instead: “What did you learn today?” “What challenges did you face?” “How might those challenges help your practice going forward?” “What did you enjoy most about today?” Questions like these help children understand that failure and challenge are simply part of growing and developing as a player.
As a parent, watching and supporting your child play and compete in sport is one of life’s genuine joys. Let them make mistakes. Don’t make excuses for them. Be there for them, no matter what. Do that, and you’re well on your way to building the kind of resilience that will last them a lifetime.
Matt is Director of Matt Messias Impact Leadership Ltd, and inspires and develops people across sport, education, and business. www.mattmessias.co.uk
