In sport we’re often told to have high expectations and high aspirations if we want to succeed. The meaning of the two, though, often gets confused. There’s a subtle but important distinction between them and if parents understand the difference, it can make a genuine impact. So what’s the difference, and how can we help nudge our children in the right direction?
Aspirations are about wanting to perform to the best standard you can. Expectations are a belief about how likely you are to succeed. It’s great for children to have aspirations, after all, that’s largely why we play sport in the first place. Simply wanting to be the best, though, doesn’t always get you there.
Raising expectations can be helpful, since it gives athletes of any age a clearer picture of what they should be doing. Set them too low, though, and motivation drops. Set them too high, and confidence suffers, along with a rise in both fear of failure and nerves.
Two genuinely fascinating psychological effects show just how powerful expectations can be. The first is the Pygmalion Effect where people raise their achievements in response to someone else’s high expectations of them. The second is the Golem Effect, where low expectations of someone lead them to perform worse. In short: nobody rises to meet low expectations.
So how can you put the power of expectations to better use?
Your voice matters
Reinforcing your child’s coach’s expectations shows your support for what they’re actually trying to teach. Easy ways to improve your own communication: stay approachable, ask plenty of open-ended questions, and listen more than you talk. Try something like “What would you do differently next week?”
Encourage high self-expectations
High self-expectations help athletes develop real accountability. Athletes who hold high expectations of themselves are more likely to ask for feedback, ask for help, and train and play with genuine motivation, without needing others around them to supply it. A quick way to help younger athletes build this is to ask them what expectations their favourite athlete or role model would hold, before asking them to think about their own.
More isn’t always better
A word of caution here: more expectation isn’t automatically better. If your expectations far exceed your child’s actual ability, it can lead to a drop in performance and become a genuine source of stress. The “Goldilocks rule” applies well here, too little or too much and it stops working. Challenging but realistic is the right guiding principle.
Use simple objectives
There’s a right time and place for sharing your expectations. At InnerDrive, we suggest to all our clients, and their parents, that the focus should be on what they need to do to play well. There’s a middle ground worth finding: think too much about expectations and performance can suffer; think too little and athletes won’t know what they’re actually meant to be doing.
To help athletes find that middle ground, I ask them a simple question: “What three things do I need to do to perform at my best?” That keeps their focus on what’s within their control, while giving them clear, simple steps toward performing well.
Final thought
It’s hard to flourish if nobody believes in you. It’s equally hard to perform when people demand too much from you. Pitch expectations at the right level, and you’ll help your child perform at their best. If in doubt, remind them of the simplest thing of all: you’re their biggest fan, you’ll love them no matter the outcome, and seeing them try their best is ultimately what makes you proud.
Matt Shaw is a Performance Psychologist at InnerDrive, and one of the leading experts in applying psychological research to sport.
