As parents, have you ever thought about how we look after the whole family when it comes to our children’s sport, and in particular the role siblings play?
We all know the weekly balancing act of juggling more than one child, making sure everyone can take part in the sports and activities they want to, while still finding some quality family time. It can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible. But there are things that can help, both in how we prepare and in how we feel about it.
As a sports parent, you may find yourself in one or more of these situations:
- Do you have a child whose sibling is a high-performance athlete in an academy or pathway programme?
- Do you have siblings who each love and play their own sport?
- Do you have siblings who play the same sport and may be in competition with each other?
Whichever applies, we have a vital role to play in making sure everyone in the family feels happy and valued, and, within reason, gets the same amount of time and attention.
Take a moment to reflect. Do you share your time equally between your children, including how much you talk with each of them?
We’ve certainly been guilty of this as a family. We prioritised our older child’s training and matches. It wasn’t all the time, but some of the decisions we made first time round became far more relaxed with our second child.
Tips for treating each child equally
Whatever situation your family is in, these can help:
- Don’t turn your house into a shrine. The same goes for social media: post about all your children.
- Balance your time and resources. Share the duties so that both parents, where possible, spend time with each child, whatever their interests.
- Make time for activities away from sport.
- Eat together regularly and give everyone the chance to talk about their week.
The sibling of a high-performance athlete
This can be hard for a sibling, given the huge number of hours spent on training and events. Ideally there will be two parents with two cars to share the load, but that isn’t always possible, and logistics can be a parent’s nightmare.
If the sibling does need to come along to everything, there are a few things you can try:
- Involve them. Ask how the time could work best for them. They’ll really value having a say. That doesn’t mean giving in to every demand, but they’ll feel listened to.
- Make it as comfortable as possible. Think devices, audiobooks, hot chocolate, snacks, and the promise of something for them later that day or week.
- Do something together nearby. Is there something in the area you could do with them while their sibling trains or competes?
Siblings with equal sporting ability and interests
Do everything you can to give each child the same kinds of opportunities. Where possible, ask other family members to help. There will be times when it’s completely manic.
My wife and I talked about this recently, at a point when we were both completely exhausted. We decided we had to give our children every opportunity, and that this was only a short period of our lives. There will be plenty of time in the future for lie-ins, Sunday lunches and a spotless house with no sports kit scattered everywhere. In the meantime, we’re building so many memories. If you can relate to this, give yourself a pat on the back, keep going and enjoy it as much as you can.
Siblings should be encouraged to give and receive support equally. If one child spends part of the week watching the other train or play, do you make sure the favour is returned where possible? Seeing a brother or sister cheering them on can be a real boost, and it sends a great message that everyone’s role is valued.
Many younger siblings take up sport because they want to be like their older brother or sister. Older siblings can be hugely influential in helping the younger one along. You only have to watch them play together to see the older child coaching and showing the younger one the way. Add in sibling competitiveness and some play-fighting, and it’s no surprise that younger siblings often thrive in their sport thanks to the support of an older one.
Siblings in the same sport, or in competition with each other
Whether they play on the same team, compete against each other or play different sports, each child will want their parents’ attention and may want to be recognised as the better athlete.
“If the siblings already have a rivalry, it isn’t surprising that it extends to youth sports,” says Dr Linda Sterling of Northwest Missouri State University. “After all, sport is a competitive environment.”
Sibling rivalry in sport can be a good thing. Healthy competition can be fun and can motivate young athletes to work hard, set goals and improve their skills. But when rivalry damages their relationship with each other or causes stress within the family, it has become unhealthy.
“Sibling rivalry becomes unhealthy when it leads to a win-at-all-costs mindset or interferes with family functioning,” says Sterling. She points out that studies link negatively perceived sibling rivalry to burnout and dropout in sport. Her advice is to focus on fun, skill development and teamwork, and to remember that the quality of leadership from parents and coaches shapes a healthy sporting experience. Above all, children are more important than their achievements.
Tips for making it work
- Avoid playing favourites. Say you played rugby at school, and now one of your children plays rugby and the other plays tennis. It would be easy to give the rugby player more attention without meaning to, because you share experiences and memories of that sport. The tennis player could end up feeling left out. Make time to talk to your tennis player about their sessions and the skills they’re learning, so you can connect with them through their sport and understand their passion for it.
- Praise effort, not outcome. This matters whether or not your children compete against each other, but it can really help prevent jealousy between siblings. When one child doesn’t perform as well as the other, they may feel frustrated or upset. Focusing on their effort rather than the result helps them learn from setbacks and gives them a sense of control over their performance.
- Set rules for behaviour. It’s normal for siblings to tease each other, but you can set clear expectations. For example, sporting rivalry stays on the pitch or court and doesn’t come home, and no one makes fun of the other for a mistake in a game.
Remember
Your family is a team in its own right, and its togetherness shouldn’t be sacrificed to sibling rivalry or a packed schedule.
Good luck, sports parents!
