Let me make one thing clear, as I do at every presentation we run for clubs, coaches and parents: I’m not a happy-clappy, laissez-faire parent who doesn’t value winning and competition.
Anyone who knew me as a player or coach will tell you winning always mattered to me, and it still does. I want my own children to be as successful as they can possibly be.
Both my children are naturally, fiercely competitive. I didn’t teach them that or build it into their environment; most children simply arrive that way. So why do we get into such a muddle about winning and competition in children’s sport?
Winning, competition and development don’t have to be in conflict. Managed well, and with a bit of creativity, all three can sit side by side.
Why the message gets lost
The moment we suggest winning shouldn’t be the top priority, a lot of people switch off. That’s on us, not them. We haven’t done enough to inform and support parents and coaches about their role in a child’s sporting experience. Most are simply copying what they see on TV, doing what they believe is the right way to support their child or their team.
History tells us that winning at a young age has very little bearing on what happens later. So why do so many of us adults behave as though it’s the only thing that matters?
What parents really want
In our parent presentations, we ask parents to write on a Post-it note what they really want their child to get from sport. “Become an Olympian”, “turn professional” or “win regularly” rarely appear.
What comes up again and again is wanting their children to be well-mannered, hard-working, respectful, sociable and healthy.
We then ask parents to reflect: does their own behaviour around matches and competition focus on, and celebrate, the things they’ve just written down?
Honestly, usually not. However good our intentions, once competition starts and our child is out there playing, winning tends to swallow everything else.
We joke (though it’s not really a joke) that the two most common questions sports parents ask are “Did you win?” and “Did you score?” When the answer to both is no, that’s often the end of the conversation for another week. If we asked better questions instead, ones that invite reflection and celebrate the qualities parents wrote on those Post-it notes, we could start putting winning and competition back in their proper place.
We also know that when children are asked why they play sport, winning and competing rank far lower than they would if you asked the adults watching. That’s worth taking seriously, and worth using to question how we define success.
Lessons from around the world
If you worry that winning has to be everything, or that your child can’t reach the top without relentless competition from an early age, here are some examples worth thinking about.
Norwich, Vermont
This small US town of around 3,000 people had sent a competitor to almost every US Winter Olympic team since 1984, as journalist Karen Crouse described in her 2018 book Norwich. In total, it had produced 11 Olympians, including two Summer Games athletes, who between them won three medals, one of them gold.
Norwich raises its young athletes collectively, prioritising participation over polish and cooperation over rivalry. Children aren’t pushed to specialise in one sport, and it isn’t unusual for them to cheer on the athletes they’re competing against. The whole community shares the belief that youth sport exists to build a lifelong love of activity and the outdoors, along with life skills and friendships that outlast the sport itself. Norwich parents absolutely want their children to succeed. They just measure success differently, trusting that the skills built along the way matter more than any single result.
Norway
Norway’s sport system follows a similar philosophy. Children don’t have published results or rankings until the age of 13, and even once competition is introduced, fun and socialising stay at the centre, right up to the country’s top Olympic athletes.
It hasn’t held them back. At the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan-Cortina, Norway topped the medal table with a record 41 medals, including 18 golds. It has topped, or shared the top of, the Winter Olympics medal table at every Games since 2014. That’s remarkable for a country of around five and a half million people.
Iceland
In Iceland, highly qualified coaches work with the youngest players, and clubs are judged on how many young people they keep involved in sport, not on trophies. The logic is simple: the more players who stay in the game into adulthood, the bigger the pool from which top athletes eventually emerge. Skill development and participation come first.
For a country with a population of under 400,000, the results have been striking. The men’s team reached the quarter-finals of Euro 2016, beating England along the way, and qualified for the 2018 World Cup. A growing number of Icelandic players now play for top clubs across Europe.
Belgium
In Belgium, younger age groups play without league tables. Children take part in small-sided games and festivals, and teams are often mixed up on the day rather than kept as fixed squads. Belgium has produced a wealth of talent under this approach, and the men’s national team spent several years at the top of the FIFA world rankings. A big part of the reason is that so few children are lost from the game. They want to keep playing.
Competition still exists in these systems; winning, losing and league tables are just pushed further down the list of priorities at younger ages. It’s a genuinely difficult shift, because parents and coaches are used to the old model.
Finding the right balance
I’m not asking you to stop valuing or enjoying winning, to stop enjoying tournaments, or to stop encouraging your child to be competitive and strive to be their best. All I’m asking, and it’s something I’ve had to work at myself, is that you step back and ask: do I have winning and competition in their rightful place?
There’s nothing wrong with competition. It simply has to suit your child’s age and stage of development. At its heart, competing means striving to do your best.
Children love to compete. But when competition becomes the whole focus, we know it can seriously damage their motivation. None of us, as parents or coaches, should want to be responsible for that.
